4 Steps to Channel Empathy!

“If reincarnation is real, would you want to come back?” he asked her. “I sure hope I don’t come back!” she replied with conviction. “Why is that?” he asked with a kind but curious smile. “Because I spend my life helping people, and it is so draining! I just hope I’ve done enough to never have to come back again!” she explained with emotional exhaustion evident in every word she spoke. The lady on the television screen and I had 1 thing in common: we both help people for a living by listening to their stories. While I can certainly understand that some days are harder than others, I have never experienced feeling emotionally drained from the work that I do. Heavy some days, sure, but never drained. In fact, quite the opposite… I feel energized when I have helped someone!

My close friends and family can always tell when I’ve just finished a client session because my energy is twice as magnified. How come this other practitioner was feeling drained by her work and I always feel reenergized? It all comes down to the way you manage, respond, react, and recharge. Your management is how you conceptualize the other person’s pain. Your response is how you articulate your empathy. Your reaction is how you emotionally process the other person’s story. How you recharge involves how you use this experience to change you for the better.

Empaths are told that they need to “set boundaries,” not allow other people’s energy in, and guard themselves before they shrivel up into a dried-up human form! This is such a big, fat lie! Human beings have what’s called “chromosome 2” and it is what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. Gregg Braden (2019) explains that chromosome 2 was genetically fused together centuries ago to make human beings have a greater capacity for empathy. It is fused in such a way that contradicts how natural evolution would fuse two chromosomes because the ends of the chromosome have been severed and then adhered together intentionally — not organically. This means that, at some point in time, modern humans were given a leg up in the world! Chromosome 2 houses a gene known as TBR-1 which is responsible for our enlarged brain and 76% of our neocortex volume (Braden, 2019)! The neocortex is able to give us logic and analysis, rational thought, control of emotions, language, and morality! Chromosome 2 also enables our ability for emotion, sympathy, empathy, compassion, and self-regulation (Braden, 2019)!

Animals are not incapable of empathy. Some of our favorite animals to capture and put into circuses are also capable of feeling empathy for a family member or even a struggling human nearby. We see this all the time with elephants saving people who are drowning, dogs who whimper when their owners are sad, and even many species of monkeys and chimpanzees who take time to feed other animals nearby when they’re going to town on a snack. Humans, however, have the ability to care for other people and species a million times over when we’re compared to any other living being on this planet. You could say that our capacity to feel empathy is “out of this world!” — it is our super power! That’s why it’s not just our God-given right to feel someone else’s pain, but it is our responsibility as advanced modern human beings to remain human!

To cut off your empathy supply would be inhumane indeed, and we see this happen all the time with people we label as “psychopaths” or “sociopaths.” Really, we all have a touch of sociopathic behavior in us because most of us refuse to ask the question, “How was this living creature treated before and during its death?” as we bite into that juicy burger or fried chicken sandwich. We have almost all chosen a path of desensitized living in order to feel as though we can emotionally make it through our day without having to be inconvenienced by someone else’s pain. So, how can we embrace our human gift and ability to be empathetic while also respecting our own emotional energy tank? Let me walk you through this process step-by-step. Don’t just read what I’m about to write, but also practice it!

Step 1: Manage

First you have to manage the information coming in. At first you may fear that the information may affect your own beliefs about humanity in a negative way. This will cause you to raise your emotional guard. Keep it lowered intentionally. You may hear the person’s painful story or learn about a painful situation in the environment, and then have to decide whether or not this new information is going to affect how you view the world. Because no one wants to have their worldview dampened by sad stories, sometimes we try to minimize the situation immediately by thinking, “I’m sure this is a rare occurrence.” In reality, rape, child molestation, murder, etc. happen in abundance every single day. It is our reality, and we should not try to escape it. Instead, we should learn how to manage this truth about the world we live in.

I remember that I once learned that fish farmers are putting poisoned blood into the ocean so that wild salmon will die and consumers will be “forced” to buy their farmed salmon instead. In order to feed their farmed salmon, they take all the wild herring and ground them up which then leaves the whales to die of starvation. Wild salmon are also a source of nutrients for many sea life, so this information hit me on many emotional levels. The poor whales! The poor wild salmon! Those poor starving sea life! Those poor farmed fish who never taste freedom! Those poor fishermen who can no longer feed their families! Those evil fish farmers! *insert angry and sad-face emojis here.* Pause. Now manage this information.

Management in action: it’s time to put things into perspective! This situation existed long before I learned of it. My knowledge of this situation does not make the issue any worse than it already is. The practices of these fish farmers is atrocious, but I already knew people who choose to do evil exist. I don’t need to rework any mental constructs to make allowance of this new knowledge. Hence, I don’t need to get defensive of my current worldview. Remind yourself that this situation cannot get worse just because you now know about it, but you do have the power as a human being to play a role in making it better! You can’t help what you don’t know about, so it’s better to be aware than to remain ignorant! Look at this new knowledge as a gift that you’ve been given, so you can respond differently moving forward.

Step 2: Respond

Once we learn about a situation that is challenging and remind ourselves that we have the power to make a positive change, we proceed to our response. People often tell me, “I don’t know how you do it. I never know what to say when someone shares their pain with me!” Well, I’m about to teach you not only how to respond, but also how to still feel energized after you’ve given someone/something your empathetic energy and attention. Articulate the situation in your own words. Describe the experience. Now describe how you would feel if this was happening to you. Don’t be scared to completely, 100% relate to the pain. Remember, this is your strength as a human being! Your ability to connect and relate is what will give the trauma survivor newfound energy!

First, you’re going to picture that a small child has walked up to you and told you about this horrible thing that has happened to them. First, you’re going to say, “I am so sorry you had to experience that!” If you’ve experienced something similar, you can say, “I haven’t been through that exact situation, but I remember feeling similar when _________ happened to me.” Keep your example brief. This isn’t about you; it’s about the person who is hurting. Now say, “Are you feeling ________?” Allow the other person to either confirm, correct, or add to your guess. If they correct it or add to it, then you paraphrase their changes back to them to make sure you’re understanding how they feel correctly. Add a bit of an extra cushion by saying, “That makes a lot of sense. I imagine that I would also feel _____, _____, and ______ (insert the emotions they described) if I had gone through that.” Now, enjoy that the other person is now experiencing relief! They feel heard! You’ve done your job as a human being without even having to change their situation. All they needed was to feel heard. We can do more than just listen, though, can’t we?

Step 3: React

Dr. Douglas Rushkoff (2020), author and media theorist, explains that Native Americans used to say that the Europeans who came to conquer the New World suffered from Wettiko (a disease of the spirit causing one to destroy others and nature). Today, we call those types of people “sociopaths,” but — as mentioned before — we all have a touch of sociopathic tendencies in us (or “wettiko”), which is why we think sociopaths should be locked up and executed instead of helped. We have disconnected from our connection to their spirit and feel no sadness at the idea of their death. Oh the irony… we execute them because they lack the ability to feel empathy due to brain damage and/or childhood trauma, and we are able to justify doing so because we lack empathy for them. Who is the sociopath now?

It is at this point that I am going to take you on a journey of advanced empathy. Advanced empathy can feel foreign because most of us stop at a socially acceptable level of domesticated human empathy, but it is the advanced empathy that sets my experience from clients apart from other people in my profession who feel burnt out. It is time to take this journey on an ancient path that very few feet have walked on since the age of industrialization. I need you to feel the pain of the fish farmers to fully understand what this means. This step will rescue you from feeling angry and upset when you learn of evil acts committed against animals and other people, so bear with me as we learn how to reverse socially indoctrinated sociopathic thinking.

In the day and age that we live in, all of us are supporting horrific events like child slavery and mass slaughter without even knowing that we are! Do you own a cell phone? If it’s a smartphone, chances are nearly 100% that it has mica in it. Mica is mined by children in other countries who are as young as 18-months old. See what I mean? We are ignorant consumers who have been conditioned to avoid even contemplating asking questions that might result in emotional pain. We have to be willing to experience the pain that comes with truth if we want to then be able to experience the bliss that comes with healing.

So when we practice our reaction of advanced empathy as someone tells us about children who are slaves, wild salmon who are poisoned, or a fellow human’s painful experience, we have to also have empathy for the person who has done the evil act. We ourselves have committed blind evil acts without knowing, just as those fish farmers have been conditioned to be blind to the salmon’s pain. Perhaps the fish farmer has a daughter who has been diagnosed with cancer and he is willing to stop at nothing to pay for her treatments. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how wrong his actions are, and he owns an organization that feeds the homeless because he believes himself to be a good person! Most fishermen have been taught to believe that fish cannot experience pain and feelings the way humans do. This fish farmer lives in a society who has taught him to stop at nothing to provide for his family and live the American dream! Isn’t he essentially doing exactly what we’ve done to the millions of wolves who used to roam the land? Isn’t he doing what we’ve done to the rhinos? Is it his fault, or is it the fault of our numbed society with a horrible case of wettiko that teaches us not to ask the questions that lead to pain? The fish farmer is not the problem; our avoidance of contemplating the pain of others is the problem. It is a societal disease of the mind and heart. Are you still mad at the fish farmer? Can any of us cast the first stone? We can only disapprove of the system that created people who are unable to connect with the atrocity of their actions.

So, we are only left with the option to pity the fish farmer. We must feel for him because he has fallen prey to the same faulty teachings that the rest of us have on some level. The only ones of us who can truly judge him are those of us who have experienced and lived by the nontraditional teachings of our ancient past, but even those teachings would tell you to have compassion and not hate. So we must have compassion on the fish farmer, forgive his extreme case of wettiko, and feel zero hate or anger in our hearts as we understand that his condition is a symptom of our deteriorated society. This formula of advanced empathy works in every single scenario. You will be left with only love in your heart if you apply this to every situation that has ever caused pain to someone or something else. Hate the system; have compassion on the human.

Step 4: RECHARGE!

Are you ready to revitalize the life that is within you!? Great! Because that’s what we’re about to do! First of all, applaud yourself for reading to this point because you believed in my promise to teach you how to process empathy without feeling overwhelmed! I will not fall short of my promise… I promise! Every human being creates their reality with the narrative and story that they play in their mind. You can either be a victim, or a survivor. You can choose to make a positive impact, or a negative impact. Ultimately, the only ingredient that is missing when people suffer from an extreme case of wettiko, is their ability to connect with their own soul. If you connect with your own soul, then you will also connect with the souls around you because all souls are connected in the dimension with which they exist. What do I mean by that?

Do you have a pet? Have you ever had a pet? Have you ever watched a video of a very intelligent pet? A pet who craved attention from a human? A pet who rescued a human? How about a pet who befriended an unlikely species? Today, I watched a video of a dog who is friends with a ground-dwelling mole. I’ve read stories about cats alerting their owners of fires and methane gas leaks. I’ve watched videos about Beluga whales returning submerged cellphones to their owners. I’ve read stories of dolphins assisting the water births of humans in the ocean. The animals around us are not disconnected from their souls, nor are they distracted by technological devices. Animals are pure and fully present. In order to reconnect with your soul, all you have to do is mimic the animals around you. Be fully present to the distress of those around you. Feel the struggle and pain of those around you. Care about those around you. Caring is re-energizing because it frees the human soul from a condition of non-caring. It will feel like an overwhelming rush at first, but eventually it will change you in the most beautiful way.

When I was in graduate school for psychotherapy, I was taught that we are supposed to mentally prepare to “leave work at work,” and return home to our families unchanged by the secondary trauma that we have experienced. We were taught to recognize when we began to inevitably feel burnt out, and instructed to request time off to go chill on a beach somewhere so we can then offer our best practice to our clients as our fully-energized selves. These kind of teachings seem to imply that we’re not supposed to fully care about anyone we interact with, because — when you fully care — you can’t simply forget about that person in the time it takes you to drive home. Those teachings also implied that burnout was inevitable in our line of work; they never once taught us how to process secondary trauma in a healthy way! I chose a different path. I chose to let the pain and stories of others change me. I chose to let it fuel me, but only in the ways that would make me more compassionate, more empathetic, and more grateful for the life I’ve been blessed with. I would come home, be honest with my children that I heard some difficult stories that day, and then I would wrap my arms around them and appreciate every ounce of their existence.

Some people say “You don’t know what you have until you lose it,” but I say that “You can’t appreciate what you have unless you understand how deeply other people wish they could experience it.” You can’t gain an appreciation for something that you don’t yet understand, which then means you must be willing to understand the pain, suffering, and longing of others. This understanding will make every interaction with a loved one priceless. You will be fully present when your daughter tells you that you are the “most fun mom in the world” or when your son says with tears in his eyes that you are perfect. You won’t be too busy to accept their hugs. You won’t be preoccupied when they beg you for one more story. You will be fully present because you allowed someone else’s loss and trauma to change you for the better. You emerge a more appreciative and complete human being who enjoys every single bite of a citrus orange. That is the power of personal change that advanced empathy brings about. It zaps you into the moment and reminds you of every little thing that you have to be grateful for.

One practitioner leaves her office after a long day feeling emotionally drained by talking with clients who have heavy problems. Another practitioner leaves the office feeling supercharged with excitement to cherish every beautiful thing that exists in her life. Choose to be the latter. Be recharged with gratitude every time you hear a heartbreaking story. Be motivated to make changes that will reflect your human ability to connect and empathize. Be human. Feel. Connect. Live. Create. Impact. Exercise compassion, forgiveness, and a willingness to listen. Don’t be afraid to let others’ pain change you! The pain of others is only scary if you don’t assign the right meaning to the life lesson you’re being gifted. Every story gives you the opportunity to understand someone’s journey on a meaningful level. The pain and suffering of others can add meaning to your own existence. Embrace it. Live for it. Feel blessed and be eternally grateful.

References

Braden, G. (2019, June). Session 1: Human by Design. Retrieved November 03, 2020, from https://www.gaia.com/share/ckh1hjtn200500ion98j72y03?language%5B%5D=en

Rushkoff, D. (2020). From Domestication to Transformation. Retrieved November 03, 2020, from https://www.gaia.com/share/ckh1hob3z005d0il8adfdbhmf?language%5B%5D=en

Originally published at https://districtcoaching.com on November 3, 2020.