What is Shadow Work: Identifying Your Triggers
Katie is one of the most well-liked people within the educational district she works for. She seems to always wake up happy, and her voice carries a gentle hum to it that puts everyone at ease. Recently, a coworker, Khalid, asked Katie out on a date, and they began a healthy relationship. Khalid is excited for the opportunity to enjoy her company more often. About three months into the relationship, something started happening. Khalid realized that upsetting her was very easy and she seemed easily triggered during their conversations. Katie was just as wonderful as she had always been, but she was also much more fragile than he imagined she would be. Katie really enjoyed her partner’s company, and she felt terrible that he was now having to walk on eggshells around her in an attempt not to see her sad. She wanted to heal from her childhood trauma, but she didn’t know how.
How many times have you reacted to something someone said or did and realized afterwards that the person you were talking to didn’t deserve the magnitude of your reaction? When we experience this, we can safely say that the person we were interacting with has “triggered” something within us from a previous experience that hasn’t been resolved. Our reactions to these triggers may be an overreaction or completely uncalled for. How do we heal these aspects of our inner self? That is the mission and purpose of shadow work.
Before we talk about what does heal, let’s address what does not help. Identifying as many triggers as you can and telling your partner and loved ones to avoid all of those triggers from now on will not help. Instead, this leaves you suffering on the inside like a ticking time bomb, and it leaves your partner and loved ones on edge. This may also result in the termination of relationships, avoiding loved ones, and isolation. The only way to never be triggered is to live a life of complete solitude. Avoiding triggers will not mean that the pain does not live on inside you. Instead, because the pain is no longer triggered, it may manifest itself as depression, chronic illness, low self-esteem, low self-love, etc. Avoiding triggers is not the answer.
What does help? First, we work on reframing how we view triggers. Instead of reacting with anger, fear, or sadness when your trigger is activated, try taking a deep breath. Practice gratitude that an aspect of yourself that needs healing is asking for your attention and awareness. Awareness that a trigger exists is the first step towards healing, so this emotion being triggered is a gift of awareness in disguise!
Next, practice acceptance. Triggers usually exist because of trauma that we’ve endured. This trauma was not your fault, hence it is not your fault that you have triggers that need healing. You are, however, also no longer the victim of that trauma. You are now able to heal. You are not powerless, but you are also not to blame. In the most non-judgmental fashion without qualifying your trigger as bad or good, just be aware of its existence and accept that this is an aspect of yourself that needs healing.
After all, none of us are perfect! Everyone is a work-in-progress and has had difficult experiences. We cope with those difficult experiences the best way we know how in the moment, but sometimes those coping skills involve suppressing emotions or denying the severity of the situation. Give yourself the gift of kindness; accept that you did the best you could at that time.
Now that you’ve identified the trigger and you’ve accepted it as truth, you move to having compassion for the younger version of yourself who went through this. You identify that your response may have been all you could manage during your original trauma, but that it is no longer serving you in your current relationships. Carefully describe how you’d rather respond next time you experience this trigger. Imagine yourself being triggered in a similar way but responding differently. Close your eyes and think about how this new response would feel.
Visualization is a powerful tool that can teach your body how to embrace new changes. How will you feel after you successfully use the new response? How is this new feeling different from how you’ve felt in the past? This new response should inspire you and the results should feel motivating enough that you cannot wait to put this response into practice!
For many people, choosing a new response and putting it into practice can feel foreign yet very empowering. While some part of your body may crave your former emotions, you will also be able to see how this new response leaves you in a healthier state of operating. If not, then you go into a reflection phase where you determine whether or not you’re in a state of resistance, craving the former past of feeling like the victim, or if this new response is perhaps not the healthy response you’re searching for. Remember that we’re trying new things, but it may take some practice to see which response will bring you towards your goals. If you do feel empowered with your new response, use that as the inspiration and encouragement you need to keep stepping into the unknown.
Here’s a gauge to help you assess your new response vs. your old response. Unhealthy coping uses strategies like denial, displacement, projection, and invalidation. Healthy coping skills look like taking a deep breath, asking for space, asking for time to process, communicating how you feel and being honest if you’re not in a good place to continue the interaction, and clarifying how you’re interpreting what someone is trying to say before you react. When you notice your emotions feeling overly aroused, take a break and give yourself an opportunity to choose the response that you feel would be healthier.
Implementing these new responses will become second-nature with practice, and your new life will flow with a great deal of ease. Remember to be patient with yourself as you try out new reactions! Make this a journey and enjoy the process. Celebrate your small wins and appreciate the effort you’re making to heal. This is about you feeling better, and no one else deserves to celebrate that more than you do! Becoming fully healthy and happy happens one small change at a time.
About the author: Tracey Knows is a spiritual life coach who writes about self-development, relationships, spirituality, and behavior modification.
