Why Physical Fighting Tactics Don’t Work in Relationships
Imagine you’re in a fighting ring and your opponent comes at you with an uppercut towards your chin. What is your immediate instinct? Block the punch! Raise your guard! Next, catch your opponent while they’re still off-balance and follow through with a counterattack! Success! You’ve guarded yourself and scored a point on the board! Believe it or not, this is the strategy that many couples use when they’re exchanging words about a disagreement.
When we feel attacked in a relationship, we don’t stop and ask whether or not the person meant to attack us; we just react to the cue by raising our guard and planning our counterattack. The end goal, however, is not for one of you to end up unconscious on the mat. This is usually when couples turn to me for help. “We love each other, but we keep fighting with each other!” This is why one of the most important relationship skills you will ever learn is to step out of the fighting ring and retire your gloves.
If you find yourself at odds with your significant other, apply these strategies to ensure that neither of you leaves the disagreement feeling battered and bruised ever again.
#1
Love and warm fuzzy feelings can only occur when both of you feel safe and vulnerable with each other. Raising your guard in the moment may feel like the best option to protect yourself, but it completely disables your relationship in the long run. After enough disagreements that leave one or both of you feeling wounded, you’ll learn to keep your guard up at all times. This creates distance and distrust in your relationship that may never heal after the disagreement is over. Remind yourself and your partner that feeling safe during a disagreement is one of the most important goals to focus on as you reach your compromise. Make each other’s comfort and safety in the conversation one of the most important aspects of the discussion to ensure that neither of you must raise your guard to self-protect.
#2
Instead of making your opinion the priority of the conversation, make understanding your partner’s opinion your top priority. That will sound like, “I hear you saying ______. Is that what you’re trying to say?” Invite your partner to share more details if they haven’t already given you a thorough description of their thoughts. “Can you tell me more about this so I can understand you better?” Keep the focus on your partner and not on yourself. You’ll have a chance to express your thoughts too, but only after (and never before) you have fully understood where your partner is coming from. This prevents either of you from feeling unimportant. Couples will often ask, “who should go first?” My advice is to let the person who is raising the issue speak first. This gives you the opportunity to diffuse the concern by validating their thoughts and feelings before the gloves come out.
#3
Once you fully understand what your partner is trying to communicate, take a brave step forward and strive to understand how they are feeling. You need to humanize each other before the issue itself takes precedence over your relationship. Empathize with the emotion behind their words immediately after accurately understanding their point of view. Give your partner validation by saying, “Wow, you must feel like _______.” If they disagree and correct your guess, then adapt your empathy to reflect their feedback. “Oh okay, so you’re feeling ________. I can only imagine how difficult that must be for you!” You can now add how you’re feeling (not what you’re thinking) to the mix. Try using a phrase like: “I hate that you’re feeling ______ right now. May I share with you how I’m feeling so we can both be on the same page?” If you’re unsure how to respond to someone’s pain, you may need to develop your capacity for empathy.
Inside tip: While some people are more resistant than others to share how they feel, this strategy is one that cannot be overlooked. If you don’t give your partner the emotional feedback they need to offer you empathy, you’ll be treated in a cold and callus way. Without that feedback, your partner will continue their discussion as though you’re a punching bag because they have no idea what pain you’re experiencing. Always communicate how you’re feeling, but make sure you do so in a non-abrasive way. Instead of saying, “You made me feel _____,” say, “I am feeling ______.” Use a genuine and gentle tone and not an accusatory tone. The goal is to resolve the disagreement and not to throw a passive aggressive punch. Again, always put each other’s humanity and emotions at the forefront of the discussion. You’re not in a fighting ring — you’re in a relationship. You may not feel like offering empathy in this moment, but you will certainly care about the emotional toil in the aftermath of the discussion. Minimize the cleanup by prioritizing each other’s emotions from start to finish.
#4
One of the biggest mistakes couples make during verbal disagreements is the effort to swing faster and hit harder while they get their point across. Slow down your reaction time and give yourselves time to think about the impact of your words before you speak them. Remember that words hurt, and emotional wounds are slow to heal. If you find yourself speaking over your partner or responding before clarifying or summarizing what they have just shared with you, then that’s a good sign that you’re reacting too quickly. Don’t rush the process and don’t be in such a hurry to end the disagreement that you end up landing a fatal blow. Use all the tools necessary to your advantage. Take some slow, deep breaths, paraphrase what your partner has communicated, use a gentle and soft tone while responding, and sloooooow down. Look at these disagreements as an opportunity to give your partner more reason to trust you — not less. When your partner feels like they can trust you not to hurt them during difficult talks, they will keep their guard down and their gloves off. The issue will become easily resolved if emotions aren’t heightened.
#5
When you’re fighting in a ring, you want to catch your partner off-guard and take advantage when they’re down. When you’re arguing with your partner, avoid the trap of taking advantage of their vulnerable moments. When they seem low, that’s a good time to pause and uplift each other. Remind your partner how important they are to you and how important it is to be able to navigate this disagreement without either of you getting hurt. Make sure you’re both in a seated position and eye-level with each other. If you are standing up while your partner is seated, your partner may feel as though your words are more hostile simply because they feel more vulnerable in their seated position. They may even feel as though you’re talking down to them. As our emotions heighten, we will feel the urge to raise up out of our seat and become more animated with our body language. When you feel this urge, remind yourself that you’re not in a fight and take a deep breath to remain calm. If your body language becomes more animated, you can expect that your partner will feel the need to defend themselves and their guard will come up.
While these five strategies are not a comprehensive list to save your relationship, using these strategies while communicating with your partner will give you both a fighting chance at the love you both deserve. If you’re in a relationship that has a long history of hostile verbal disagreements, you will both need to be patient as you learn and implement these new skills. Remember that every new skill takes practice because you are reprogramming old behavioral patterns. As you learn to implement these strategies, you will have to slow your discussions down and use an imaginary pause button as you carefully choose your words. Over time, gentle responses will become second nature, and you will automatically check in with each other’s emotions when you see signs of defensiveness. Constantly remind yourselves that you’re both fighting against the problem and not against each other. Remember that wounding your partner ultimately wounds the relationship that is important to you both. For more tips on self-development and personal growth, follow my Instagram account (@traceyknows) for advice and insight.
